Beating 40. I'm in a race against time against the big four - oh. I gotta tell ya, when I look back through a twelve year old's eyes and remember where I thought I'd be at 20 and 30, I've totally missed the mark. No higher education degree. No princely husband and white dress and white picket fence. No 401K. Hell, no savings at all. No Porche (lament). I'm 37 and single. I live in a small town, and have a small job. I have cats. Not ten, mind you, but two - and that's enough. I have a loving relationship for the first time in my life with a guy who actually puts up with me. I like to believe it's because he understands me and sees me for my potential's worth. I think, because of that, I have the guts to take this step for the first time in my life. Because I can't fail. Even if I fail, he won't see me as a failure, and that's all I need to know.
My mom and dad were 30 when I came along. I wish I could say that it was a happy childhood, but it wasn't. Take an overbearing mom and an under-protective dad. Add a dash of sexual abuse (by a "friend" of the family). Add a pound of emotional abuse. Sprinkle in the occasional abusive boyfriend. Bake for thirty years and voila. You know the story.
I'm 5'8 and I weigh 265 pounds. I've been to counseling. I've been to Overeater's Anonymous. I've been back to counseling. And although I've learned a lot about myself along the way, I haven't learned how to turn down that huge voice inside my head that drives me to eat. It's like having no control of your actions... like a twitch or a yawn. It's knowing what not to do and doing it anyway. It's screaming out in a library or running wildly through the glassware section of a department store. It's negotiation, constant talking, back and forth, do I don't I, tiring. It's gasping for air when there's no room to breathe.
And you'll say, "Just don't eat." To those of you who feel that way, I ask you to read extensively about addictions before you pass judgement. I've always known I've had a problem but have felt powerless to do anything about it. Over the last few years, I've learned how to regain a modicum of control, but it only goes so far. There are moments where you just have to step back, go to sleep, get as far away from food as you can because it is so big. So, intimidating. So controlling.
So here's to thirty-nine. I'll be posting my daily menu so that if you're here, with me, you'll know you're not alone. After purchasing a week's worth of food from very expensive frozen foods program through a website, I have chosen to switch to Healthy Choice meals. I am following an outline that will include frozen meals that range between 200 and 300 calories, daily servings of fruit and dairy, and a snack to end the day. I am not a professional, but I know that healthy people can thrive on this kind of caloric outline. There are many means to the same end and this is the path I've chosen. If you need a supportive voice or a hand to hold, I'm here. And I'll be here every day. Until thirty-nine.
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